Sail-eberty death match, Inner Senshi Free-for-all
by Golden Solaris
Summary: A funny fic, Where senshi vs. senshi is common. BEWARE OF FLYING HOTDOG STANDS!


Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon, Don't sue me, I'm broke.  
  
MERCURY VS MARS VS VENUS VS JUPITER  
  
INNER SENSHI FREE FOR ALL  
  
Kou Usako: ::spooky voice:: Space... the final frontier... these are the voyages of the Starship Battle Zone... it's mission... to explore strange new glasses of Jolt, to seek out new leaders for the Sailor Senshi, and to boldly announce what no one has announced before... *music fills the arena*  
  
*The enterprise crashes into the center of the arena and Kou Usako and Sailor Enigma step out*  
  
*looking at the enterprise* You know, this HAD to happen the day our janitor went on strike!  
  
Crowd: Booooooo! *throws cheez at the announcers*  
  
Kou Usako: *catches cheese* Mmm! Arigatou Ex-Janitor Bob!  
  
Sailor Enigma: Don't eat that, it's a Russian cheez!  
  
Kou Usako: *looks up with piece of cheese in her mouth* Nani? Russian cheese?! AHH! *spits cheese out* Bleh bleh bleh... I need water!!!  
  
*cry of deep submerge is heard as the announcers are doused in water*  
  
Kou Usako: Ummm... thanks... well, anyway... *pushes bangs out of eyes as a fish flaps in her hair* Welcome one and all to Sail-eberty Death Match! I'm Kou Usako, and with me is my comrade Sailor Enigma!  
  
Sailor Enigma: *pose* This week we have the fascinating fight of the inner free for all. I know the inner FFA is the source of many debates. What do you have to say?  
  
Kou Usako: Myself, I'm going with Jupiter. Her magical abilities and mere physical strength will make her a force to be reckoned with! How about you?  
  
Sailor Enigma: Whoa! A lot of people have quite some good points! All the inners are skilled. Mercury is definitely the underdog of the fight, I don't care what anyone says, she is NOT weak. Mars is very skilled and powerful, she's someone to be contended with and she's pretty fast too. Venus is all over the map as far as abilities go but she doesn't excel particularly in one area. It's the offensive power that will be the deciding factor, and in that case I agree, Jupiter. You can't deny the strength of her attacks or her brute force, she is someone you do NOT want coming after you! But I think Venus will get in a lot of good punches before the fight is over. Mars too.  
  
Kou Usako: Agreed. I think all of them will put up a great fight.  
  
*BZ elves role in a gigantic purple cake*  
  
Kou Usako: Wow!*bites another piece of cake*  
  
Sailor Enigma: *hits dong*  
  
Gong: OUCH!  
  
Kou Usako: Ouch"? Nani?  
  
Sailor Enigma: *confused* I have no clue...... what is that light!?  
  
:Two beams of light comes down from the heavens::  
  
Kou Usako: NANI?  
  
::Two people step out from the beams of light::  
  
Man 1: Spock, where is this coordinate?  
  
Man 2: I do not know... this isn't logical. We should be in Bahama by now.  
  
Man 1: *hits pin on chest* Beam us up Scotty. Are you drinking again?  
  
Voice from Pin: Nooooo Captain Kirk... *hiccup*  
  
*Kirk and Spock disappear the way they appeared*  
  
*everyone in arena gets big sweatdrop*  
  
Kou Usako: That was... lovely...  
  
Sailor Enigma: Beautiful *sniffle*....... and THE FIGHT STARTS!  
  
Kou Usako: From one corner of the arena, enters the Senshi of Flame and Passion, Sailor Mars!  
  
Crowd: Yay!  
  
Kou Usako: To the left of Mercury comes the Sailor Soldier of Love and Beauty, Sailor Venus!  
  
Crowd: Gitchy gitchy yaa yaa yaa!  
  
Venus Knight: YAY!!!! MINAKO-CHAAAAAAN!  
  
Sailor Enigma: And in the other corner enters the much-loved super buff soldier of protection and lightning, Sailor Jupiter!  
  
*Crowd goes wild*  
  
Kou Usako: I see a preference here.  
  
Sailor Enigma: Uh-oh, Venus doesn't like that! She starts by throwing a love and beauty shock in Jupiter's direction!  
  
Kou Usako: Ooooh! It singes Jupiter's ponytail! And look! Sailor Mercury is throwing an Aqua Rhapsody at Jupiter!! It looks like they're all trying to get rid of the favourite!  
  
Sailor Enigma: Jupiter jumps and the Aqua Rhapsody hits Mars!  
  
Kou Usako: That's gotta hurt! But opposites always attract! *audience groans at lame joke* Look! Mars ain't gonna take that! She's sending a Fire Soul Bird in Mercury's direction! OH THE HUMANITY!  
  
Sailor Enigma: *doing bird dance* Tweet tweet tweet!  
  
Kou Usako: Mercury uses her goggle... oh no! It's not a fire Soul Bird! It's a Fire Soul EMU! And Mercury is hit! But like that song, Tubthumping, she gets knocked down, but she gets up again... and is she ticked off or what!?  
  
Crowd: What?  
  
Kou Usako: ::sweatdrop:: Don't listen to em... Mercury is peed!  
  
Sailor Enigma: With an infuriated yell, Sailor Mercury changes strategy and flies at Sailor Venus with her harp in her hand! Wait a second...... who is that with the frying pan...  
  
Kou Usako: I dunno...  
  
Venus Knight: Come here..... I know you'll look great in teflon...... *WHOMP*  
  
Kou Usako: Ooooh! That's gonna leave a mark! Mercury looks up... but Venus Knight is gone! *spooky music* But Mercury wastes no time getting back into the swing of things! Wow! she's awfully offensive today, eh Enigma?  
  
Sailor Enigma: Hmmm? *looks up with jolt dripping from her upper lip* Shabon spray is shrouding the arena but I can just see...... Sailor Jupiter runs full speed to Mars (WOW she's fast!) and picks her up and throws her into Venus and Mercury! There is a pile of senshi on the ground and Jupiter laughs victoriously!  
  
Kou Usako: Pile of Senshi? Sounds yummy! ::watches as everyone stares at her:: Or maybe not... wow, Venus does NOT like being squished! She's using her Love me Chain to swing herself out of the Senshi pile up!  
  
Sailor Enigma: Smart move!!! *Venus knight cheering can be heard* Mercury backs away into the shadows and starts typing on her computer.... hmmm, I wonder what she's up to. Well, Mars and Venus start to go at it!  
  
Kou Usako: Mars and Venus... it's the battle of the thick haired Senshi! Venus swings down to the ground and sends as a Crescent Beam at Mars! Talking about crescents... *eating a crescent roll* mmm...  
  
Sailor Enigma: *stairs longingly at roll, drooling* The crescent beam smacks into Mars! Ouch! Mercury looks done, so she fires a Shine Aqua Illusion at a hot dog stand! It ricochets off the hot dog stand, off one of the bleachers, off the gong, off Venus Knight's frying pan and then turns Mars into a cube of ice!!! I think its over for Mars!  
  
Kou Usako: ::cringes:: Ooooh, that's gotta sting! I think Venus is jealous! SHE wanted to finish Mars! What's that? She's throwing a Love & Beauty Shock at Mercury!  
  
Sailor Enigma: Wow Jupiter is smart..... she's over on the other side of the arena eating a hot dog! She finishes it, wipes her hands off, and starts going after Venus!  
  
Kou Usako: I want a hotdog! Waa... er... gomen nai! Venus doesn't see it coming... what's this? Jupiter is wrestling with Venus!? Now what?! Is Hulk Hogan gonna come in!?  
  
Sailor Enigma: I don't think he needs to! Jupiter is over powering Venus...... she is shoving her face into the ground....  
  
Venus Knight: AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA! *sounds like Xena yell*  
  
Kou Usako: This is nasty! At least they're not wearing spandex though! *cringe* Anyway, back to the action! Wow... I think Venus should be the Senshi of Love and DIRTY now... Jupiter is really giving her a mud bath! *shudder*  
  
Sailor Enigma: Whoa.... Venus Knight DOES NOT like that! He cackles maniacally and starts wacking Jupiter with the frying pan!  
  
Venus Knight: Get off of her you poopy ferret!  
  
Kou Usako: This is so violent! Are you sure we're not going over our PG 13 rating? Jupiter does not like that... frying pans are for cooking food, not ones clock!  
  
Sailorjupiter: Stop that!  
  
*Jupiter throws Venus into Venus Knight and charges at Mercury*  
  
Sailor Enigma: She struggles but the physical attack is too much! Ow! The bubbles are stinging Jupiter's eyes... but nothing else is happening! Poor Ami!  
  
Sailor Enigma: Jupiter puts her hand on Mercury's head and holds her still! Ami struggles to get free but can't! She tries to hit Jupiter! Jupiter yawns and slams a wide pressure into her forehead..... poor Ami!  
  
Kou Usako: This is cruelty to the fifth power! Ow! Wait! I think I can hear Ami saying something!!  
  
Sailormercury: Why...Jupiter...why?  
  
Kou Usako: Why is Jupiter looking at us?  
  
Sailor Enigma: *hides*  
  
Sailorjupiter: I'm... sorry Ami... but this is the way... it has to be... Supreme... THUNDER!  
  
Kou Usako: ::shields eyes:: Wow! What a bright blast of light!  
  
Sailor Enigma: *looks away* Almost as bright as Taiki's forehead reflection! Meanwhile Venus is tapping her toe and looking at her watch, standing with Venus Knight...  
  
Kou Usako: Venus Knight and Venus, sitting in a tree... er, gomen! I know! Is this the end of the road for Ami!?  
  
*Ami is laying on the ground with X's for eyes*  
  
Sailor Enigma: I think so.... There are only two fighters left! Jupiter gets up, whipes herself off and looks up at Venus! Venus twirls in a circle and puts on her SailorV glasses  
  
Kou Usako: ::sob:: This is awful! But anyway... game face, game face... ::Straightens out face:: Bleh. Ok. Can you feel the tension building?!  
  
Underplayed Orchestra: Start the violins! ::violin music starts playing::  
  
Kou Usako: The atmosphere... I'm scared!  
  
*fast action music a la Titanic starts to come from the orchestra pit*  
  
Sailor Enigma: Venus and Jupiter both let out loud screams as they run full speed at each other!  
  
Kou Usako: Oh no! This is gonna hur... wait! Jupiter picks up Venus and slams her into the wall! OW!  
  
Sailor Enigma: Oh no! Venus Knight runs over....  
  
Venus Knight: FOR YOU MINAKO-CHAN!!!!! *a loud BONG is heard as Jupiter is wacked with the frying pan* *Jupiter falls over*  
  
Kou Usako: Venus lets out a laugh as she slaps high five with Venus Knight and steps on Jupiter's stomach!  
  
Sailor Enigma: Jupiter's eyes pop open...... she grabs Venus's leg and flings her away!  
  
Kou Usako: And Venus is eating dirt! Venus looks up and raises her hand... and sends a Crescent Beam at Jupiter! Jupiter jumps, but it hits her in the leg! Ouch! That left a nasty mark!  
  
Sailor Enigma: V-chan flies at Jupiter!  
  
Kou Usako: Jupiter waits till the last moment than spins out of the way! V- chan hits wall!  
  
Sailor Enigma: Venus Knight should come in..... oh no! He's being chased after by some Borg! AHH! We'll handle that later.... In a lightning fast flash, Jupiter grabs Venus, knees her in the fact and finishes her off with an Oak Evolution!  
  
Kou Usako: ::Cringles:: GOD THAT WOULD HURT! ::shudders:: Poor Minako-chan! Venus barely has any strength left... she's looking up to Jupiter and I can almost see Jupiter crying... this is so emotional!  
  
Sailor Enigma: Pringles!? Where!? *searching for chips* *shocked* poor Jupiter! Venus is laying down... defeated  
  
Kou Usako: I meant cringes. ^^;; Oh my God! Well... this ends another exciting Sail-eberty death mat... what's that cube-ish ship doing, Enigma- chan?  
  
Voice Over Speakers: We are Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.  
  
Kou Usako: ::looks at Enigma:: Borg...? Assimilated..?  
  
Sailor Enigma: Oh no!!!! *runs around in a frenzied panic* *Borgs start walking around the arena* *grabs mike* RUN! EVACUATE THE ARENA!  
  
Kou Usako: They're all staying in their seats! Wait... I know how to get them out... ::grabs mike:: Attention minna! There are free hot dogs outside! Repeat! Free hot dogs! Outside!  
  
::arena evacuates::  
  
*relief* Now we need to get rid of these Borg! Dammit! Any ideas?  
  
Kou Usako: ::thinks:: What are the most annoying things in the world? Russian cheese... do not remove mattress tags...  
  
Sailor Enigma: Informecials for Alexandria wax?  
  
Kou Usako: Patty stacker commercials?  
  
Sailor Enigma: The smurf theme song?  
  
Kou Usako: Teletubbies?  
  
Sailor Engima: Barney & Baby Bop's self-help tapes?  
  
Kou Usako: ::snaps fingers:: I got it! ::runs to CD player and pops in CD:: Cover your ears, Enigma.  
  
CD Player: So tell me what you want what you really really want...  
  
*Borgs start to short circuit*  
  
..... I really really want to zigahzigah!  
  
*dead Borgs lay strewn about the arena*  
  
Sailor Enigma: Oh my dear... that was interesting.  
  
*Sailor Jupiter gets teardrop*  
  
I guess that's it for this week's match! Come back next week when we can all meet the third of four new announcers!! In the OUTER Senshi free-for- all! 


End file.
